


You ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

by Jeageractive



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-20 02:07:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1492771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeageractive/pseuds/Jeageractive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which a drunk Eren tries to flirt with a cop at two am, also tries to get arrested, the targeted cop catches on and ignore's the brat's attempts.</p><p>Tries to, anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure if this idea has been written already or not, but yolo.
> 
> And I'm still trying to figure out Erwin and Levi's old bros relationship

"Yo, what're you staring so hard for?" Jean asked curiously with mild annoyance, glancing at his- he wasn't sure what to call him, honestly. Sometimes he was a fucking bastard, other times he still hadn't teetered and got on his nerves, rarely a friend, but currently he was just a smoke buddy at the back of a dingy building, both avoiding a rowdy party for some time.

 Eren's lips pulled back into one of _those_ smiles, the ones that specifically made children (and Armin) cry, eyes dimming and lids fluttering half shut, his cigarette casting an eerie glow on his features. As if that wasn't enough, an addition of a small 'heh' was emitted.

 Jean instinctively swallowed, nervously rubbing at his arm."What the actual fuck, man."

 His expression went back to normal in a second, and he chuckled a bit as he flicked his cigarette."I just got a really bad idea."

 "Shocker." The brunet scoffed, and Eren gave him a light shove. He then gazed ahead to where Eren was previously looking, finding nothing out of the ordinary. Between a few buildings, and not too far away, a police car was just moving forward from it's previously parked position.

 Jean assumed only one thing."We're not doing anything wrong."

 "But that's just the thing." Eren grumbled with major displeasure.

 "What the hell do you mean?"

 "Did you see the cop? I mean there was two of them but goddang fricken _damn._ The one that doesn't have a bulky ass."

 "No."A pause."Wait. If I'm guessing correctly, you're terrible idea was to-"

 "Yep." He dropped the half smoked cigarette and crushed it with his foot. Jean just incredulously stared at him for a second before shrugging in an 'Eren is Eren' manner.

 But hell, was he going to get in a lot of trouble.

 

* * *

 

 "Why are we patrolling here again? This is a fucking civil and safe neighborhood, as far as I can tell from the last umpteenth time we came here." The raven grumbled as he followed his companion out of the car, who's alert mind for the slightest crime made him jolt up at any shadow.

 "Honestly, Levi. You should know better than to trust that it's safe just  _because_ nothing has happened yet, considering this area has been proven suspicious."

 "Che. Shitty eyebrows."

 "You wish you could have something like them." The blond smirked playfully, and Levi just glowered at him as he leaned against the car.

 "Can we not talk about this right now? Why did you stop, anyway?" he folded his arms and glared ahead.

 Erwin threw some papers at Levi."There's been several complaints about some shady and obstreperous teenagers lingering around late hours. They haven't exactly acted in any illegal way, but still."

 "Are you fucking kidding me? We could be doing something way more useful to this shithole of a society."

 "Woah, there. Hate crimes."

 "So inaccurate."

 "You know what, just sit your pretty ass right here while I go check around."

 "Damn right it is." Levi tugged his cap off and rubbed at his under cut where the head piece bothered him the most, listening as Erwin's footsteps loudly clicked in the quiet night.

Sighing and returning the item over his head, he crossed one leg over the other and remained in his position for a while, preferring not to go inside the stuffy car. Shitting partying teenagers? What was so strange about  _that?_

A collective howl of laughter resonated through the street, along with a couple of voices and the lazy scratch of footsteps against concrete. They were distant, Levi noticed, as the dim illumination of a street lamp fell on a group of teens standing by an intersection. Male voices shouted at each other teasingly before they all disappeared around a corner.

 

Well, most of them.

 

A few seconds later, the sound of inconsistent footsteps drew near. Levi glanced back at the direction of the noise to see a brunet stumbling on the road, immersed in whatever was playing on his earphones.

"Cuz once you're mine, once you're mine...there's no going back." 

Great, Levi thought as the boy tried mimicking the catchy beat after the chorus. Drunk, probably underage, and listening to Katy Perry. Shady and obstreperous my ass.

He looked ahead with no more interest, waiting for him to get the hell out of his way lest he blew up his two am anger on him. But of course, the little shit has to walk straight up to him and drawl,"Hey, officer."

Levi let his narrowed gaze drift to the younger, his irritation clear as daylight. Definitely drunk, with the way he obliviously grinned back at him."What?"

"Wow, grumpy. Isn't it your job to make people's day? You know, swoop them into your arms and run into the sun?" He giggled.

"My job is to throw fuckers to the ground and cuff them, and sometimes take a sniveling child to his mother. I'm not a prince. And you're neither a fucker or a child."

He furrowed his eyebrows for a second in thought, as if it took him some time to register all the components of Levi's sentences."I wouldn't mind if you cuffed me." There was some sort of glint in his half lidded eyes, and in it was only then that Levi realized this idiot was trying to flirt. With a cop. While drunk.

The raven rolled his eyes."Go home, kid."

"Take me there. I'm a kid, right?"

Maybe not  _that_ much of an idiot."Where's your phone?"

"That was easy. Booty pocket." The brunet found his remark hilarious, and he emitted a breathy chuckle as Levi grabbed his shoulder, swiveled him around and shoved him against the car. He ignored a comment about getting frisky already, because he did this especially to not grope around his ass to find it, but apparently this kid was a little too horny and drunk to think.

He looked through his recent calls to find the name Mikasa appear the most."Who's Mikasa?"

"Sister."

Levi huffed a sigh of relief and dialed the number. It rang uselessly for a while, and when he tried again, the same happened."Anyone else that can pick you up right now?"

"What, why?"

"Answer the question."

"Nah. Don't think so.Mikasa's somewhere with her girlfriend, she ain't coming back tonight."

Levi sighed under his breath and took a moment to think, palm pressed against the brunet's back to keep him in place. In the end he opted to throwing the brat in the backseat, who landed on his back with his feet propped against window but didn't care to move, then called Erwin and told him to get his ass back already. He was already on his way, and when he returned and saw the occupant of the back seat laughed.

"What on earth, Levi?"

"He's drunk out of his mind, and if he tries going home alone in this state he'll probably get hit by a car. Called his sister but she didn't answer."

Erwin kept an eye on him as he took directions and drove, probably out of amusement more than anything. After all, he still hadn't quit hitting on Levi.

"What's your name?" The blond asked the younger, who was drifting in and out of sleep.

"Eren." He mumbled, throwing a hand over his eyes.

"Sit up straight." Levi snapped, and Eren just groaned.

"'m tired."

"Should've thought of that before you downed an entire bar."

They slowed to a stop in front of a small duplex, and by then Eren was asleep. Levi reluctantly got out of his perch and hauled the brat out, slinging his arm over his own shoulder and dragging him to the front porch."Oi,your keys."

Eren laughed sleepily."In my other booty pocket."

Levi rolled his eyes in annoyance and used his free arm to reach for said pocket, awaiting the brunet's dumb comments as he slipped his index and middle finger inside the rigid fabric and pulled a key chain out. The second key fortunately fitted, and he was stepping inside the dark house and making Eren try to lead the way to his room in no time. He swore when he tripped at least three times trying to find the bed, and heaved Eren onto it. He just smiled and remained sprawled on his back.

The raven tsked before taking off Eren's shoes, unable to live with the conscience knowing that he let disgusting  _shoes_ stain bed sheets. And no, he wasn't trying to act nice, just because he decided to take off the brat's uncomfortable looking leather jacket.He sighed and threw the comforter over him, and he instantly snuggled against his pillows.

"You're no fun." Eren slurred with a muffled voice when Levi was about to leave.

"I'm not supposed to be."

"Can I at least get a kiss?"

"Fuck no. How old are you, even?"

"Seventeen."

"You're drunk. And I'm old enough to be your father."

"Can we please not go there. Please."

The raven took off his cap again and rubbed at his undercut, a weary habit he hadn't realized developing.On some shitty whim, he pulled out his pocket notebook and scribbled down a few numbers, underneath it scrawling'if you even remember in the morning', before ripping it out and tossing it along with the keys on his bedside dresser.Something in the back of his mind told him that this could either turn out horribly wrong or incredibly good.

He'll just have to see."Go to sleep, brat."

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hell yeah date. fuck age of consent shit.

"Ughhhhhhhhh."Eren throatily groaned, rolling over onto his stomach and kicking his comforter off in the process."Mikasaaaa!"

Being the spoiled brat he was, and his sister being his spoiler, he sulkily waited for her come in with a glass of water and Advil like always. But then he remembered that she probably wouldn't be home up until mid afternoon and dejectedly got up from his nest of pillows and sheets. He barely had anything called a hangover no matter how much he drank, but still would fake it every now and then for the advantage of being pampered.

"Fucking Annie Leonhardt. I need Mikasa more than you do, bitch." Except, he did become a bit angrier about everything. Which completely filled the void of the hangover.

Muttering a few more profanities about Mikasa's girlfriend, he hopped out of bed and almost instantly noticed the sting of his skinny jean waistband, and paused to reflect on how he ended up in bed in the first place. 

"Fuck." He breathed, scratching at his arm when last nights events hit him at once. He squeaked in mortification and resisted the urge to bang his head against the wall as he replayed everything in his mind, and at some point he'd stiffly fell back into bed with his head buried in his pillow.

"He's so fucking hot and I just fucking fucked shit up by being so fucking idiotic! Oh my god, fuck my life." Being satisfied with banging his head continuously against his headboard for a full minute, he glanced at his dresser to see the time, but saw the small piece of paper instead.

He expected something from Mikasa and glanced at it disinterestedly. It took him at least thirty seconds to register what was written before he had another flailing episode. When that was done and he sat back down flushed, out of breath and with a stupid grin on his face, he quickly added the number to his contacts as 'Sexy officer' for the time being before hurriedly sending him a text.

_i c wut u did thar._

Eren intentionally used horrific grammar based on the assumption that it was probably the older's pet peeve. He could probably see him as an English teacher, dressed impeccably in a suit with glasses and strutting into the class room like freaking Robert Downey Jr. Well, shit, he might have just popped a few nose veins. 

His dreams and fantasies slowly crumbled when he didn't get anything back in an hour. He ate breakfast/lunch while staring murderously at his phone, sending a few more texts that included 'motherfucker answer me', 'let's go on a date', 'actually let's get married', and 'bring the cuffs with you'.

Around three pm, Mikasa came back home and Eren got a text back. He lost himself a little, squealing and doing the senpai-I-hope-you-like-the-bento run to his room, which, no doubt, made Mikasa suspicious.

The date was confirmed, a few more more inappropriate hand cuff jokes were exchanged before Mikasa was calling for him. Shit, Mikasa. He was a little too busy hyperventilating to remember he needed her consent first.

Cringing visibly, he made his way down the hallway and to the living room, plopping down beside her and tried acting normal."'sup." Being the badass swift Asian she was, she grasped his phone with no further warning and tugged. But Eren also was a stubborn little German shit and wouldn't let her have it that easily."Mikasa, no! Fucking-"

She grabbed Eren's wrist to immobilize his hand and pulled the phone out of his fingers.

"Oh my god, please don't, _Mikasa_!" Eren whined, trying to reach around her as she gave him her back and elbowed his arm away. He instantly regretted giving her his password, because she was scrolling through the texts he was sending moments ago immediately."This is what I get for fucking trusting you!"

"Yeah, yeah. A+ class drama queen." She resumed her position when Eren slumped back in his seat, defeated, folding his arms and waiting for her chastising with a tight pout.

About two minutes passed before she was waving the phone in front of his face instead of her finger. "What the hell is this about you being cuffed and getting fucked in a police car?"

The brunet groaned in his hand because  _fuck_ how was he going to explain this to her?"Mikasa- it's just- just a joke. He's a good guy. I mean, he's a policeman."

"And that instantly makes him a good guy." 

"No, honestly. I mean, he could've taken advantage of me last night, I was so drunk he had to throw me in his back seat and bring me back here. He also completely rejected my begging for a kiss. Soley because I was drunk. High ethics, man." Right, Eren, logos for the win over Mikasa.

She narrowed her eyes at him for a second, tapping the device in her hand against her chin."Don't you dare lie to me, Eren."

"Look me in the eyes, sis." He put a hand on her head and drew her close until their foreheads were touching and gave her  _the_ look. She actually chuckled a little, shoving his face away.

"Okay. Go get ready for your date while I give him a small talk."

Eren got up and threw his hands in the air."Mikasa!"

"I'll go easy on him. Now hurry up before I change my mind."

He did so, but not before angrily muttering under his breath about his life.

-forty five miuntes later-

"Eren! Aren't you done, he's coming in fifteen minutes." Mikasa urged when she came in to find him still fumbling with his hair.

"I'm trying, geez! A little too hard, though." He gave her an agitated look and she strode over to him with a sigh, and wordlessly stripped him off his suit jacket and tie.

"You're so useless." She commented as she tucked him his dress shirt properly and then moved to slinging the tie around his neck.

He smiled."That's why you're here. And that's why Annie needs to kill herself."

Mikasa choked him momentarily with the tie. "You won't be saying that when you get cozy with Levi."

Eren blinked at her for a second, then, incredulously,"His name's Levi?"

" _Eren!_ " 

 

* * *

 

The younger glanced back at her with a fake sob face."Mikasa."

She gave him a light push."Don't be a shitting baby, this is all your choice. So grow a dick and go."

"You're  _so_ good at this encouraging thing. I mean, telling a guy to get a couple of inches doesn't make him self conscious at all."

"Eren. You're this fucking gorgeous seventeen year old with the most natural tan and these huge caribbean eyes and I would so have banged you if I was straight, and if you weren't my little brother.You have nothing to be self conscious about."

Eren practically ballet danced down the hallway with sparkles hovering over him in self-satisfaction, and Mikasa shook her head with a sigh.

 

* * *

 

 Eren didn't know why he expected to see Levi slowing to a park in a police car with his sirens blaring and in uniform, but he did, and that's why when he looked around the street got confused. He was about to go back inside to wait for him when the window of the black Mustang two feet away rolled down and a certain pale face of a certain attractive police officer glanced at him with a glint of amusement in those equally attractive stormy eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me? Ugh, I've been standing here for like, five minutes!" Eren bratted, and Levi gave him a quick once over. 

"Enjoying the sight for a while. You know, before you open your mouth." 

"Hey! You're gonna want me to open my mouth soon, I promise." The brunet hadn't fully thought the sentence over, and he thought about it as he rounded the car and took his place in the seat beside Levi.

Said man was giving him a questioning look and Eren instantly grabbed his warming cheeks."Not straight to  _that_. I mean we can kiss or something."

"You totally just offered." Levi teased as they began moving."You've been offering since a while, but you're not drunk anymore so you're responsible for your words."

Eren secretly wanted to confirm this, but protested anyway."I didn't! I mean, we'll see." Something at Levi's waist caught Eren's eye and he did a double take before swallowing.

"Oh, we will." Levi subconsciously brushed his hand against the metal cuffs hanging from his belt loop and smirked at the way Eren stiffened. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone else would've continued in really explict porn haha XD


End file.
